Sick In Memphis

To be truthful, I never wanted this blog to talk about my illness much. I kind of wanted this to be about my life outside of my illness. However, the past month or two has been pretty hard for me physically. Not much has really happened outside of my illness. Even the joys of our first Christmas and Anniversary in Memphis, were greatly clouded by my health and the complications that arise with this sort of an illness. In fact, I havent updated recently because I just didnt want to think about it more than I had too.

You see it's so hard to be in a new place, meeting new people and wanting them to see the other side of you. There's this whole other side of me that has nothing to do with how I feel. Lately it seems to be all I am really. I hate that. I dont want people to see me as the sick one. I want that to be a small part of me. Maybe that's unrealistic of me. In fact, I know it probably is. It's not like I can sweep this under the rug when I want. It doesnt work that way. It rears it's ugly head when and where it wants.

For those of you who have been with me from the beginning, you know I have taken a Dr hiatus since about March/April of last year. For those of you who dont, well, now you do. Seeing specialist after specialist and having test after test, can take it's toll. After 2, almost 3 years of it, I was sick of seeing a Dr and getting no where. So I desided with our move, I would stop and just resume the search when I was ready.

Now, I am ready. After a really crappy Christmas, Birthday, Anniversary, ect... I was ready to try and find someone who could help me. Enough is enough. Our temporary stint in OKC provided me new symptoms that have stuck through our move to Memphis. Unfortunatly these have gotten to the point that I cannot ignore. I cant sleep at night. When I do, I wake up frequently. My chest wall hurts so bad that just adjusting my position can send shard pain throughout my whole rib cage. My anxiety is starting to peak again and pretty sure a few good assaults on my immune system will send it back into freak out mode. That is not fun. Not at all! I do have alot of pain, but so far my Wii Fit is really helping me combat that.

For those of you who dont know my history...we'll here's the Cliff Notes. A few years ago, my daughter started preschool. She brought home every virus known to man, it seemed like!!! As our immune systems adjusted and sharpened, mine crashed. I never really fully recovered. After a good over look of my recent medical history, i could see a pretty distinct pattern. I was having dips and peaks. In fact, I could trace it back several years, possibly starting around my teen years. Ever so often I just didnt feel good, for months. After the hit of school kids bugs, my body just had enough. It seems to be a common thread amoung those of us with auto-immune illnesses that are triggered by a virus or other tramatic event in our lives. Usually the EBV (which is responcible for mono) is the culprit. According to my blood work when I first got very sick, I had had the virus within the past year.

So what do I have?

Well that's a good question and one I hope Dr Ganguli will be able to answer. I have not been given an official diagnosis. It's not uncommon. It can take many years to put the peices of these things together. I have a good friend who was sick her whole life and not diagnosed until College. Often times, symptoms start, but diagnostic evidence takes longer to develop. I had been told on more than one occasion that I was in the beginning stages and nothing could be done until a clear answer could be found. Everyone seems to agree that it is auto-immune in form. I was told most likely something like Lupus, but we wont know for sure until it wants to be made known. Fibromyalgia has been thrown around a bit, but it seems each Dr I have seen has a different opinion. Most do not think it is that. I personally do not feel it is either. Ofcourse nothing can be ruled out.

So now what? Well now I start my search in Memphis for answers. I pray God lead us here to help me. I'm ready to start treating this monster head one and get to a managable state of wellness. I have joined a mothers group for sufferers of chronic conditions. It has helped so much and I know I will make lifelong friends with these women who sooo understand what I go through!!!

For now, I am just trying to prepare myself for whatever answer lies ahead.