Sick In Memphis

To be truthful, I never wanted this blog to talk about my illness much. I kind of wanted this to be about my life outside of my illness. However, the past month or two has been pretty hard for me physically. Not much has really happened outside of my illness. Even the joys of our first Christmas and Anniversary in Memphis, were greatly clouded by my health and the complications that arise with this sort of an illness. In fact, I havent updated recently because I just didnt want to think about it more than I had too.

You see it's so hard to be in a new place, meeting new people and wanting them to see the other side of you. There's this whole other side of me that has nothing to do with how I feel. Lately it seems to be all I am really. I hate that. I dont want people to see me as the sick one. I want that to be a small part of me. Maybe that's unrealistic of me. In fact, I know it probably is. It's not like I can sweep this under the rug when I want. It doesnt work that way. It rears it's ugly head when and where it wants.

For those of you who have been with me from the beginning, you know I have taken a Dr hiatus since about March/April of last year. For those of you who dont, well, now you do. Seeing specialist after specialist and having test after test, can take it's toll. After 2, almost 3 years of it, I was sick of seeing a Dr and getting no where. So I desided with our move, I would stop and just resume the search when I was ready.

Now, I am ready. After a really crappy Christmas, Birthday, Anniversary, ect... I was ready to try and find someone who could help me. Enough is enough. Our temporary stint in OKC provided me new symptoms that have stuck through our move to Memphis. Unfortunatly these have gotten to the point that I cannot ignore. I cant sleep at night. When I do, I wake up frequently. My chest wall hurts so bad that just adjusting my position can send shard pain throughout my whole rib cage. My anxiety is starting to peak again and pretty sure a few good assaults on my immune system will send it back into freak out mode. That is not fun. Not at all! I do have alot of pain, but so far my Wii Fit is really helping me combat that.

For those of you who dont know my history...we'll here's the Cliff Notes. A few years ago, my daughter started preschool. She brought home every virus known to man, it seemed like!!! As our immune systems adjusted and sharpened, mine crashed. I never really fully recovered. After a good over look of my recent medical history, i could see a pretty distinct pattern. I was having dips and peaks. In fact, I could trace it back several years, possibly starting around my teen years. Ever so often I just didnt feel good, for months. After the hit of school kids bugs, my body just had enough. It seems to be a common thread amoung those of us with auto-immune illnesses that are triggered by a virus or other tramatic event in our lives. Usually the EBV (which is responcible for mono) is the culprit. According to my blood work when I first got very sick, I had had the virus within the past year.

So what do I have?

Well that's a good question and one I hope Dr Ganguli will be able to answer. I have not been given an official diagnosis. It's not uncommon. It can take many years to put the peices of these things together. I have a good friend who was sick her whole life and not diagnosed until College. Often times, symptoms start, but diagnostic evidence takes longer to develop. I had been told on more than one occasion that I was in the beginning stages and nothing could be done until a clear answer could be found. Everyone seems to agree that it is auto-immune in form. I was told most likely something like Lupus, but we wont know for sure until it wants to be made known. Fibromyalgia has been thrown around a bit, but it seems each Dr I have seen has a different opinion. Most do not think it is that. I personally do not feel it is either. Ofcourse nothing can be ruled out.

So now what? Well now I start my search in Memphis for answers. I pray God lead us here to help me. I'm ready to start treating this monster head one and get to a managable state of wellness. I have joined a mothers group for sufferers of chronic conditions. It has helped so much and I know I will make lifelong friends with these women who sooo understand what I go through!!!

For now, I am just trying to prepare myself for whatever answer lies ahead.

Turning 30, In Memphis

The holiday season is a speacial time for al of us. I tend to enjoy it a little more because I have a birthday in December! The 21st to be exact. This year is bitter sweet. I am FINALLY turning 30, but in a new city and no one to celebrate it with me. No "Last Week of Your 20's" parties and massive hangovers to make me want to swear off drinking for LIFE. Instead it comes quietly. Instead of getting my 20's out of my system, I am spending time reflecting on the past 30 years.

Some things I am quite proud of. I stared down any rollercoaster put in my way (after my darling father FORCED me on my very first one when i was about 5). I always found a way to be around horses and even had a few chances to show a few judges what I was made of. I trained my own horse for 4-H. I made alot of friends. I sang my heart out in choir and praise and worship teams. I was Glinda The Good Witch in a city wide production of Wizard of Oz, complete with solos!!! I played volleyball and learned how to skateboard on my knees. I played nintendo until the wee hours and even snuck out of the house a time or two. I held jobs since I was 13 working as a dog bather, barn helper and a waitress.

I look back over my life and wonder how things might have turned out had I done a few things diferently. Where would I be? Would I happier or would I still be the same, just in a diferent place with different circumstances. I find it funny. Especially looking at my present situation. I certainly am not where I expected to be.

I never expected to be in Tennessee. I have always been a Texas girl. Sure I had my stint in Florida, but I always knew I'd somehow get back to the motherland. However, that didnt happen. Instead I ended up in Alabama for 5 years. Almost all of those years I wish I could just erase from my memory. Though I did pick up a GREAT friend along the way and I am sure we'll be lifelong friends now. From Alabama, we ended up in Memphis. Not sure how that happened. I never expected to be here! Alas, I am here and making the best of it.

So, from here on I embark on my 30's. I guess this is where we all really learn to grow up. What will the next 30 bring? Will there be more moves? Will there be happiness? Will there be sadness? Will I finally be able to finish my education and get a degree? Will I end back up in Texas? Or perhaps will I be taken farther away?

For now, I am just going to sit back and think about my life and look forward to what's to come.

On Crutches, In Memphis

Who knew that a simple rainy day would interfere with me walking in Memphis? Yet, here I am sitiing on the couch with my leg propped up, my trusty crutches, by my side. Let me just say how much it STINKS to be stuck on the couch this time of year. It's Dec!!! There's shopping to be done, parades to see, trees to decorate, yet none of that will be done by me. Okay so my laptop and credit card help with shopping online. It's just not as fun as shopping in person!! I dont really like shopping, but I do like gettng out of the house. I havent been out since Wed and that was just to urgent care. Not really a place I'd like to visit ever again...

Some of my friends through the years know what damage I have done to my knees by riding. After highschool my knees were just never the same. I remember back at 17, after long rides, I'd have to be pulled off my horse. Then into my 20's my right knee went out several times. Once at a (really cool!!) bar in St Pete, FL where I was having SO MUCH FUN! Then I got to be carried out to the ambulance by 2 of the BIGGEST security gaurds I have ever seen. I sort of felt like an Indian Princess who'd been injured in war... or somethig. I could go on and on about that night. The homeless guy who OD'd and had to drink charcoal was by far the highlight... The other times were simple. Once I was standing still holding a can of yogurt and my knee went out. That was fun. Really, so much fun.

Here I am again. Awaiting my fate!! I was so hoping my experiance with the Memphis medical staff would have been after the holidays as I searched for a rhumetologist. But, noooooo. A simple rainy day took that and my holiday fun away from me!! Yes, I blame it on the rain. Milli Vanilli agrees!! See how far I have fallen?? I am taking advice from has been, lip synching, suicidical pop stars...

stay tuned, this saga will continue!!

Holiday Cheer-How About A Tree??

Okay so the Peabody has one. I'm sure many other hotels, shops and restaurants also have them. How about a city one? It seems to me that the people of Downtown would appreciate that extra addition on Court Square. Yes, there was the lighting ceremony, which was okay. It was just missing something. It wasnt near as grand as it could have been! The carols by the elementary school were wonderful!!! That was the only reason to go. They were REALLY very good! I just think that to add some real Holiday beauty and spirit to the city, lets reach a bit higher on the decoration scale! Most of the event was all done by volunteers anyways. Perhaps next year you add a tree and draw a bigger volunteer circle!

Speaking of trees...we opted not to get ours this weekend. I'm going to look around and see where Memphians go to get a tree. Are there any tree farms? I havent seen any advertized. Then again South doesnt have alot of great tree farms. Back in Alabama the one near us mostly had a bunch of ceder trees. Have you ever tried hanging ornaments on a giant bush with flimsy branches??? I can just hear the smashing glass ornaments!!! I am sure we'll end up like everyone else, getting a tree at one of the many tree lots around the city!!! Some things in a life in a city need to just be left to the easiest and most convienant option.

Anyways, looking forward to our first Christmas in Memphis! We even got some blue suede shoes to add to the ornament collection to commerate this Christmas.

At Home, In Memphis

I still pinch myself! Has anyone been this happy about moving to a city that gets such a bad rap?? Methinks not! I am here after all and so happy to be here. It felt like home from the minute we crossed the bridge.

Ofcourse, it wasnt all sunshine and roses... Okay, so there WAS sunshine, but our moving company mowed over the roses, so to speak. (no we dont have any roses, though that suddenly makes me want to get some more blue roses for my patio). It ended up being a very drawn out move. I felt semi responcible. I wanted so much for us to have the weekend to unpack and get situated for Shawn to be ready to go to work on Monday. Unfortunatly, that did not happen. Issue after issue caused a huge delay in our furniture and boxes arriving. It started with a broken down truck and ended with some of our things taking a trip to Ohio...It was not a good experiance. I NEED Memphis to stay our home so that we have no more interstate moves!!! I cannot, in good conscience, hire another mover. It was THAT bad. Alas, our furniture is here. Most of our stuff is here. We are unpacked and decorated. All is well.

Now the hard part begins. Now it's time to actually make Memphis our home. It's time to develope friendships, hotspots, and find the daily routine that comes from living someplace. It's fun. Yes I wish I had friends to talk to and for the kids as well. But learning everything is fun too. How many people do you know in your hometown cant tell you the best localy owned pub or where to park without paying a parking lot or alot of things that your average tourist knows already. I hope to not fall in that category. I am on a quest to find the secrets of an enjoyable and active life here in Memphis. I hope to join some of the downtown and uptown groups. I hope to find friends and fun for all of us. I hope to experiance Memphis to it's fullest (minus the crime). There were so many things I wish I had done back in Mobile and just never did. Same as Tampa and Fort Worth! I plan to do all those great things you hear about in Memphis! I plan to take my kids to experiance all they can in Memphis! I plan on making Memphis a home to all of us.

Come and join me!! Get to know your city!!

Living In Between Worlds

The phone has stopped ringing. No more invites through email or messages on FB. No more "lets get together for coffee!" I actually know a few people in OKC. Oddly enough, most are my husbands cousinis ex-girl friends. Say that three times fast! whatever happened with the relationship, we somehow remained friends. And with fabulous networking sites like Facebook, how can we not. However, the tone has changed. They know it's here, I know it's here. In less than 2 weeks, Memphis will no longer be a dream, but reality.

To be honest, I'm a bit terrified. It's actually happening. I have an apartment in Memphis with closets full of boxes to testify! Each day, the items available for daily use dwindles as the boxes stack higher. The electricty has been changed to our name in Memphis. The changed of address not quite complete, but will be soon. The collection of local OKC take out menus grows as the food in the fridge dwindles. It's actually here. It's actually happening.

A year ago, this seemed to be a distant hope. In fact, even by Christmas we were giving life in Alabama all we had. This whole FAA thing, just didnt seem like it was going to pan out. Then, one day, it did.

It's funny how everything changes so fast. Life really isnt what we plan. It never is. We all have an idea of where we think it's going, by how often does it actually do just that? Rarely. Slim to none! Realy that's okay though. sometimes it's worse, but sometimes it's so much better. Sometimes we learn things about ourselves that we never knew. For instance, Memphis. during the process, I didnt want Memphis. In fact, we actually talked about turning down an offer of Memphis. After all, of the good things it's know for,there are a good many bad to go along with each one. Did you know it is the second most dangerous city to live in? Second to Detroit. Did you know it has a history of corrupt politics...(but in it's defense, what city doesnt?)? However, when the notice came that he had been picked for Memphis...strangely, the fear and distaste vanished. Instead there was a sense of excitment, adventure and, dare I say, compassion towards this new city in my life? It's strange how life takes us on these journeys. Indeed strange.

Here I sit in bed, late at night, less that 2 weeks from moving to Memphis. So much is on my mind. What is in store? What friends will I make? What friends will the kids and Shawn make? Will Shawn like his new career? Will we really like our new apartment?where is the nearest grocery store? Is there a nearby Target? are there plans of a SuperTarget? Does target sell blue suede shoes? Does anyone? Most importantly, will it snow this winter?!?!?

With such questions on the mind, how can one sleep tonight?

This is Emily, signing out for now, but soon will be Walking in Memphis...

Count Down Begins!!

Wow, here I sit, one week from taking our first load to Memphis. I'll be in Texas all next week seeing a Dr. All my packing must be done this week. Shawn will be bring thing stuff over when he leaves after his classes are over. I'll be leaving earlier so I can sign the lease and get the keys.

When this all began over a year ago, it seemed so far away. Even when we moved to OKC for the training course, it still seemed far away. Now I look back and cant believe how these past few months flew by. We have just about 4 weeks left. It will go by fast too! It takes alot of effort and time to relocate. When you are footing the bill and all the preperations, your time fills up fast.

Thankfully movers have been hired so the whole ordeal of moving things OUT of a 3rd story apartment, GONE!! YAY! However, the boxes have to be packed to their moving standards!! Anything not packed correctly, will be repacked at our expense. I dont think we'll have any problems. as long as they show up on time, do their job and deliver our furniture unharmed, I'm good.

I am getting nervous. Before all of this was in the distance. I knew it was happening, but it seemed so far off, so unrealistic. Now the pressures have hit me. It's here. The preperations have begun!! It's no longer, oh we'll worry about that when it gets here, it's here! I have been feeling so very fatigued ad so very weak. It takes alot of energy out of me to get through each day, let alone deal with the moving preperations. I have procrastinated all week and now I have to face it and deal with it.

What do i bring with me this first load? What will I need? What will be nice to have? What can we live without here in OKC the next 4 weeks? Oh list goes on. Must remember to relax. Must remember to stay focused. Must remember to breathe!!!!